December Decency

Generally, I find it hard to put together my scattered thoughts. Most of the time, I remain disoriented, disrupting concentration, ultimately resulting in being unable to write anything.

I guess, today is different. Today, all my thoughts are making a stop at this one station on repeat.

It was a year of joy. It was a year of sorrow. I lost some gems. I found more. I lost hope, dreams shattered, doors closed. I searched for new doors, aesthetic dreams, cheerful hopes. I dropped last droplets of vengeance and forgave. I widen my view toward self-acceptance while drowning in self-loath. I heaved a sigh in frustration when thorns pierced my soul. I grieved as the last of my aspiration ruptured loudly. I went on a trip to peace with my mind, to peace with my 2016. I came back home realizing people can never be as generous as nature. I am selfish, I am self-centered, I can care less about people- I can be everything dark and loathful. But that's all of us. We are flawed, I am flawed. And if we can go past the grievance, loathing and vengeance- we can be a part of a better world. For a person like me, it is very much possible for everyone to get hurt. Because I never got past the image I made for myself. It has contaminated to my conscience at the point, it's not possible to overcome them without hurting way too many people. It is genuinely not anyone's fault but mine that I stand alone every time I look back. It has always been me. 2016 was anything but never inevitable. 

December Decency

Magic. 

How do you define magic? Is it really the "Beebeedeebabeedee boo" from the magic wand of the fairy god mother? Or is it the "Wing-gar-dium Levi-o-sa" with 'gar' nice and long? Maybe, it is just an illusion with scientific explanations like David Copperfield's flying illusion. 

Who knows?

What

Bleh

I wish I wish with all my heart

To overcome the curse

Of depression deep in there

May the colors play in my head

So emotions can skip being dead

Bless the tiny girl with

Warm wishes and hugs

Because a new semester

Is knocking at the door of hers

Joke

This

At this point of my existence, this has put me in a lot of confusion. 

A while ago, even blogger.com was loading. 

I can't take more of this stupid slow internet connection. 

Can I be famous?

The only reason I got to write a blog because I happen to (accidentally) see a message on my mother's phone that was saved on the clipboard. 

I wouldn't have though. My mother gave her phone to me to check a notification by an antivirus software on the notification trey which was installed by my sister herself. As I opened the application it showed me that it has detected some security issues. The first one was unknown sources being open and the second one was the clipboard message. 

Call it coincidence, I thought. 

She wrote it to one of her friends about me, complaining (of course it was untrue). And that put a lot on me. I was stunned at first though, I could not believe the language she used.

Also, it was rather funny how her installed app got her caught red handed. Otherwise, I would have never known what she thinks about me.

And also because the laptop I'm on does not seem to load facebook, twitter, instragram or tumblr or anything. The only things that are able to load completely are Gmail, google translation and blogger.com. 


And so, I have been reloading stats over and over since I posted the last one. So far, I have got only 36 pageviews with audiences from the US, Australia, India and Bangladesh of course. 

This is where I wish I was Famous. 

Existence

Is that possible for a person to be so sad that he can actually feel the hollow inside soaring up till it drowns him completely?
Is it possible that one has lost all the hopes and expectation to some extent that he no longer seek any affiliation with any other than silence?
Why is it that I can feel my sadness dispersing so wildly, nothing can literally make me animated again?

Did I willingly push myself onto the dark side of solitary? How come my presence never occurred to anyone as enumerable? 

The September Thoughts

I have always been saying that I love writing. I am passionate about pouring my heart out on white papers. I love the colour black slowly spreading on the white.

A while ago, I didn't know my passionate volition will become this limp that I no more will be able to reckon with it. Sheer emptiness covered my verdict. I now, prefer being reluctant to make my verdict even known. I'd say what anyone would desire to hear. I'd speak, which everyone will put their consent to.

When I say that I lack compassion, someone says that I yet don't have access to some of my own capabilities. Probably I don't and I don't even feel the need to. My being less compassionate is a blessing of its own. There are certain things I no longer have to understand as I am. Yes, it does complicate things more or less in a certain situation especially, while living a relationship. Whether it is sisterly relationship or friendship, I have not experienced a smooth one.

Is this where you recite, every relationship has its ups and downs? Sure, you may.

It's not easy coping up with a person who lacks compassion. Or reverse. It's not easy either way. And in my case, I've got a boost. Call me sane, call me insane. But I had never got one true friend who understood me properly or had the intention to. Or even if they did, I made it hard enough for them not to. What can I say? This is me in a package as a whole. I have always been difficult to deal with.

The same way, I never had a smooth relationship with my twin. If I'm a skunk, she's a horned owl. We were never in good terms of each other. It's an unusual case to be honest, because twins are supposed to die for each other. Are we agreed to die for each other? No, clearly no. She hates me enough to not waste her death on me. You might ask me, what went wrong. I'd answer, I dunno. And it will not be a lie. At all. That is because, I actually don't. I don't know why she'd always want to humiliate me in front of road full of strangers. I don't know why she'd say bad things about me to her friends. I don't know what her problem is or the depth of it. I just know that all my feelings at whichever quantity I had, are gone. I am so out of love with her just as she is. If she can't stand me, if she can hate me to all extent, so can I. We are mere twins, right? And nothing should be individual in a relationship.

I might be not compassionate, I might be selfish, I might just be out of love with her but I wouldn't ever stop caring for her. It was I who wanted to be graved in her grave if she died first. And I wouldn't want anything else. And I'd still like that. 

This year's birthday is going to be the best one. 

How I lost my peace of mind

As I started to grow up, I have been more aware of the society and the surrounding that I am living in. And before that I was merely a child not giving a heed to what is happening to people’s humanity. But these days, since it is becoming more and rarer in human race- I was caught up with an incident.

 I was coming back from my university and noticed that a van of police was parked beside the road to my house. And the police were busy checking people. Now this was a common scene now-a-days. I ignored the fact and continued toward my house with a friend of mine. A little later, I heard noises behind me. When I looked back I saw a man running and a policeman chasing him with a black bag in his hand. The man looked healthy and middle-aged belonging from a middle class family. The police was yelling to catch him but no one proceeded really until an old man tried to. But the running man was pleading not to catch him. I could hear him clearly saying, “No please, don’t catch me. Please.” My mind calculated fast enough, visualizing the man as a wrong doer and since the police was chasing him- my first reaction was to have him stopped. I guess my friend was also having similar thoughts. He asked me whether he should stop him or not.

I said, yes. And he did.

We didn’t wait until the police arrested him and took him toward the van and walked toward my house. And all my mind was doing was replaying the whole scene again and again. The way he was running and pleading not to catch him, his face after my friend stopped him. And all I could feel was my decision being wrong.

We are well aware of the little reputation the police have in our society, some action that they pull against civil rights- they are not completely honest. What if the running man was innocent and he ran because he got scared that he couldn’t afford to pay the police the bribe that they might demand, and I took him as a wrong doer and got him caught. What if he is in jail and getting beaten up by police because he refused to sign the papers of false allegations? What if his family can’t afford his bail money? Did I ruin his future, his home and his family life? He must have kids waiting for him at home.

But why would he run if he was not a wrong doer? My point being made, he wouldn’t be in this position if he weren’t any wrong doer. But he must have been helpless and chose this path because he had to look after his wife and children and his old mother. Or perhaps marry his sister well off. My point being made is that he did wrong to lead a better life. Why was he forced to choose this path? Is it his lack of humanity or the lack of proper citizen facilities? In some way or the other someone’s humanity surely is limp. Either it is of a man in duty or of governed citizens.

And the spot I am standing at, I am not sure what I did was right or wrong or if it will haunt me when I wake up in every tomorrow, how my humanity will take this. But I surely know that it won’t give me any peace of mind.