For a moment I thought I had lost my mind. After all these years of resisting, the only thing I tried not to happen to me, happened at such a moment that it hit me like a Tsunami.
It wasn't the first time I started liking someone. After graduating from a girls' school, it was really awkward for me to be friends with boys. But in University, I met so many kinds of people- vibrant, shy, outrageous or straight-cut assholes but I never thought I'd meet an egoist.
That was the first time I started liking someone.
No, it's not the egoist- oh puhleez!
I was taking my final exam of my second semester. When he walked in the door, all tall and proud- his handsome face quickly attracted me. Even though I didn't know anything about him, I later confessed that I liked him. He was interested, that's my primary notion but later changed mind. And my egoist friend had quality effort in changing his mind.
It took me a while, but I got over it. I mean, my crush on the tall guy.
It was a couple of semesters later, when I found my heart fluttering again for another tall and handsome guy I saw in my math course, he talked to me first.
And I was spellbound, how on earth did I not notice him before!
I think he wanted to proceed but later shied away because I was standing under the shadow of my egoist friend. When things started to shake in the inseparable bond between my egoist friend and me, I was upset about how he kept me away from the rest of the world just so he could have me all by himself. I wanted to break free. But he was connected to me so deeply, I valued him so much, I could ignore everything that was wrong between us. Until his possessiveness became a burden for me.
Only then I decided, I will pay the debts but I can't continue my friendship with such an egoist.
Yes, I was upset, more than necessary. I still rebuke him for losing me. But it was necessary for the peace of his mind. Not mine, his. He needs to stay away from me before he gets completely drawn into me.
He treats me like I am invisible but I pray that one day when the ego will clear from his head like the fog in the cold winter morning, he will see his mistake. He will understand why I couldn't love him back.
To be honest, falling in love with a friend seemed like an absurd idea for me. A friend can never take the place of a lover, I believed.
Well, until now.
Did you just think that I finally fell in love with the egoist friend? - No!
It's very hard for me to open up to someone very easily, it took me five entire semesters to be friends with the people I am with now. To open up, to trust them, even after everything I went with my previous friends. What we are now, we became that from my past experiences. I kept headstrong, feelings intact and became the closest thing to my mates. I didn't let emotion cloud our judgements or affect our friendship.
I had already lost four friends because of the same issue, I don't want to lose more.
But I am scared, I am very scared today. And it is because this is the first time I went against my belief. I betrayed myself and all the friends that I left because they wanted me to love them back.
It is still too soon to say I am falling in love but I think I started liking one of my friends I am with now. The terrible fact is that he is good friends with my egoist friend. In fact, it was him who introduced us.
That's something absolute rubbish and utter, utter bullshit. It's not okay, not at all. But how do I confine my emotion?
Because practically, I can't stop.
It wasn't the first time I started liking someone. After graduating from a girls' school, it was really awkward for me to be friends with boys. But in University, I met so many kinds of people- vibrant, shy, outrageous or straight-cut assholes but I never thought I'd meet an egoist.
That was the first time I started liking someone.
No, it's not the egoist- oh puhleez!
I was taking my final exam of my second semester. When he walked in the door, all tall and proud- his handsome face quickly attracted me. Even though I didn't know anything about him, I later confessed that I liked him. He was interested, that's my primary notion but later changed mind. And my egoist friend had quality effort in changing his mind.
It took me a while, but I got over it. I mean, my crush on the tall guy.
It was a couple of semesters later, when I found my heart fluttering again for another tall and handsome guy I saw in my math course, he talked to me first.
And I was spellbound, how on earth did I not notice him before!
I think he wanted to proceed but later shied away because I was standing under the shadow of my egoist friend. When things started to shake in the inseparable bond between my egoist friend and me, I was upset about how he kept me away from the rest of the world just so he could have me all by himself. I wanted to break free. But he was connected to me so deeply, I valued him so much, I could ignore everything that was wrong between us. Until his possessiveness became a burden for me.
Only then I decided, I will pay the debts but I can't continue my friendship with such an egoist.
Yes, I was upset, more than necessary. I still rebuke him for losing me. But it was necessary for the peace of his mind. Not mine, his. He needs to stay away from me before he gets completely drawn into me.
He treats me like I am invisible but I pray that one day when the ego will clear from his head like the fog in the cold winter morning, he will see his mistake. He will understand why I couldn't love him back.
To be honest, falling in love with a friend seemed like an absurd idea for me. A friend can never take the place of a lover, I believed.
Well, until now.
Did you just think that I finally fell in love with the egoist friend? - No!
It's very hard for me to open up to someone very easily, it took me five entire semesters to be friends with the people I am with now. To open up, to trust them, even after everything I went with my previous friends. What we are now, we became that from my past experiences. I kept headstrong, feelings intact and became the closest thing to my mates. I didn't let emotion cloud our judgements or affect our friendship.
I had already lost four friends because of the same issue, I don't want to lose more.
But I am scared, I am very scared today. And it is because this is the first time I went against my belief. I betrayed myself and all the friends that I left because they wanted me to love them back.
It is still too soon to say I am falling in love but I think I started liking one of my friends I am with now. The terrible fact is that he is good friends with my egoist friend. In fact, it was him who introduced us.
That's something absolute rubbish and utter, utter bullshit. It's not okay, not at all. But how do I confine my emotion?
Because practically, I can't stop.
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