The September Thoughts

I have always been saying that I love writing. I am passionate about pouring my heart out on white papers. I love the colour black slowly spreading on the white.

A while ago, I didn't know my passionate volition will become this limp that I no more will be able to reckon with it. Sheer emptiness covered my verdict. I now, prefer being reluctant to make my verdict even known. I'd say what anyone would desire to hear. I'd speak, which everyone will put their consent to.

When I say that I lack compassion, someone says that I yet don't have access to some of my own capabilities. Probably I don't and I don't even feel the need to. My being less compassionate is a blessing of its own. There are certain things I no longer have to understand as I am. Yes, it does complicate things more or less in a certain situation especially, while living a relationship. Whether it is sisterly relationship or friendship, I have not experienced a smooth one.

Is this where you recite, every relationship has its ups and downs? Sure, you may.

It's not easy coping up with a person who lacks compassion. Or reverse. It's not easy either way. And in my case, I've got a boost. Call me sane, call me insane. But I had never got one true friend who understood me properly or had the intention to. Or even if they did, I made it hard enough for them not to. What can I say? This is me in a package as a whole. I have always been difficult to deal with.

The same way, I never had a smooth relationship with my twin. If I'm a skunk, she's a horned owl. We were never in good terms of each other. It's an unusual case to be honest, because twins are supposed to die for each other. Are we agreed to die for each other? No, clearly no. She hates me enough to not waste her death on me. You might ask me, what went wrong. I'd answer, I dunno. And it will not be a lie. At all. That is because, I actually don't. I don't know why she'd always want to humiliate me in front of road full of strangers. I don't know why she'd say bad things about me to her friends. I don't know what her problem is or the depth of it. I just know that all my feelings at whichever quantity I had, are gone. I am so out of love with her just as she is. If she can't stand me, if she can hate me to all extent, so can I. We are mere twins, right? And nothing should be individual in a relationship.

I might be not compassionate, I might be selfish, I might just be out of love with her but I wouldn't ever stop caring for her. It was I who wanted to be graved in her grave if she died first. And I wouldn't want anything else. And I'd still like that. 

This year's birthday is going to be the best one.