What

Bleh

I wish I wish with all my heart

To overcome the curse

Of depression deep in there

May the colors play in my head

So emotions can skip being dead

Bless the tiny girl with

Warm wishes and hugs

Because a new semester

Is knocking at the door of hers

Joke

This

At this point of my existence, this has put me in a lot of confusion. 

A while ago, even blogger.com was loading. 

I can't take more of this stupid slow internet connection. 

Can I be famous?

The only reason I got to write a blog because I happen to (accidentally) see a message on my mother's phone that was saved on the clipboard. 

I wouldn't have though. My mother gave her phone to me to check a notification by an antivirus software on the notification trey which was installed by my sister herself. As I opened the application it showed me that it has detected some security issues. The first one was unknown sources being open and the second one was the clipboard message. 

Call it coincidence, I thought. 

She wrote it to one of her friends about me, complaining (of course it was untrue). And that put a lot on me. I was stunned at first though, I could not believe the language she used.

Also, it was rather funny how her installed app got her caught red handed. Otherwise, I would have never known what she thinks about me.

And also because the laptop I'm on does not seem to load facebook, twitter, instragram or tumblr or anything. The only things that are able to load completely are Gmail, google translation and blogger.com. 


And so, I have been reloading stats over and over since I posted the last one. So far, I have got only 36 pageviews with audiences from the US, Australia, India and Bangladesh of course. 

This is where I wish I was Famous. 

Existence

Is that possible for a person to be so sad that he can actually feel the hollow inside soaring up till it drowns him completely?
Is it possible that one has lost all the hopes and expectation to some extent that he no longer seek any affiliation with any other than silence?
Why is it that I can feel my sadness dispersing so wildly, nothing can literally make me animated again?

Did I willingly push myself onto the dark side of solitary? How come my presence never occurred to anyone as enumerable? 

The September Thoughts

I have always been saying that I love writing. I am passionate about pouring my heart out on white papers. I love the colour black slowly spreading on the white.

A while ago, I didn't know my passionate volition will become this limp that I no more will be able to reckon with it. Sheer emptiness covered my verdict. I now, prefer being reluctant to make my verdict even known. I'd say what anyone would desire to hear. I'd speak, which everyone will put their consent to.

When I say that I lack compassion, someone says that I yet don't have access to some of my own capabilities. Probably I don't and I don't even feel the need to. My being less compassionate is a blessing of its own. There are certain things I no longer have to understand as I am. Yes, it does complicate things more or less in a certain situation especially, while living a relationship. Whether it is sisterly relationship or friendship, I have not experienced a smooth one.

Is this where you recite, every relationship has its ups and downs? Sure, you may.

It's not easy coping up with a person who lacks compassion. Or reverse. It's not easy either way. And in my case, I've got a boost. Call me sane, call me insane. But I had never got one true friend who understood me properly or had the intention to. Or even if they did, I made it hard enough for them not to. What can I say? This is me in a package as a whole. I have always been difficult to deal with.

The same way, I never had a smooth relationship with my twin. If I'm a skunk, she's a horned owl. We were never in good terms of each other. It's an unusual case to be honest, because twins are supposed to die for each other. Are we agreed to die for each other? No, clearly no. She hates me enough to not waste her death on me. You might ask me, what went wrong. I'd answer, I dunno. And it will not be a lie. At all. That is because, I actually don't. I don't know why she'd always want to humiliate me in front of road full of strangers. I don't know why she'd say bad things about me to her friends. I don't know what her problem is or the depth of it. I just know that all my feelings at whichever quantity I had, are gone. I am so out of love with her just as she is. If she can't stand me, if she can hate me to all extent, so can I. We are mere twins, right? And nothing should be individual in a relationship.

I might be not compassionate, I might be selfish, I might just be out of love with her but I wouldn't ever stop caring for her. It was I who wanted to be graved in her grave if she died first. And I wouldn't want anything else. And I'd still like that. 

This year's birthday is going to be the best one.